*biting fingernails* *sighing nervously*

Ok, well, that little workout plan didn't go so well. And since my daughter has recently weaned, and I HAVEN'T been walking or jogging (read: broken toe), and I HAVE been feeling bad about that and therefore eating MORE, and I'm NOT producing milk (read: needing a gazillion calories a day)... Well, because of all of THAT, I've gained about 8 (EIGHT) pounds since I last visited our secret pink apartments.

SO! I did something I've never done before.... I joined Weight Watchers! Online! An actual, factual goddamn DIET! (I love how they say "it's not a diet, but a life change", and then introduce you to your new best friend, the measuring cup, while seating you next to your second new best friend- a family size bag of spinach).

As you can imagine, this is very traumatic for me, because a) I had to admit that I have too. much. fat. and b) I had to admit that I. need. help. with loosing it.

*gulping humble pie*

Soooo, here we go. But hey, at 2 lbs/week (I hope), I can be about 16 lbs lighter by June 1. That would be cool.

Oh, but wait. I joined WW for free for 7 days, which is good, because then I got to wondering... should I be doing Bob Green's "Best Life" diet instead???? Anyone????

Etc

So Bonni is still a big pain in the ass. Nothing has changed there.

I'm running again, and trying to loose weight. BUT NOT DIETING. Because that's just too much pressure.

I'm *averting eyes, avoiding people's "looks"* actually enjoying running. I. know. I really can't believe it. I'm running every other day, and walking every other day, and I'm finding that I enjoy the running days better. I'm doing that running thing I was doing last summer, but this time it's much easier... so my body must remember SOMETHING from then.

I'm also not eating after 7 (ish) pm. I'm HUNGRY, but I tell myself that all my "stores" will get used up this way.

I'm also realizing that exercising is more of a mental challenge for me than a physical one. When I'm running and I feel like stopping, I ask myself- does your body or your brain want to stop? And it's usually my brain. What the fuck? All these years I thought my BODY was too out of shape, and here it's my MENTAL STATE that needs some work. Huh.

I don't like to talk about dieting/trying to loose weight/exercising too much with my BrinkandMortar peeps, b/c then I feel as if they are sizing me up all the time, wondering if I'm "sticking with it". Which is why I'm sharing this with you, my apartment sisters.

I'm also starting to think that maybe, just maybe we are done having kids. This is huge. I've never thought this way before.

I'm craving vegetables. I usually like vegetables JUST FINE. But now I'm craving them.

Confession

I'm hosting playgroup at my house tomorrow.

I emailed everyone sorta last minute (which is "normal" for our group).

I know Bonni doesn't check her email often.

I haven't heard back from her.

I didn't call her to make sure she knew.

I just don't really want to see her. She IS invited, yes. But I'm not going out of my way to ensure she knows.

It feels a bit catty and "typical woman"-ish to act this way towards her. Like I said, she IS invited. But sometimes I just can't rally. I just couldn't make myself pick up the phone and call her.

I'm just letting the cards fall. I'm not preventing her from being with our shared playgroup friends. I'm not trying to exclude her. Heck, if she came, I'd even be happy to see her.

But it still feels a bit... mean? immature? to know she probably doesn't know about it and not do anything.

I am lame.

A person who really annoys me

I don't like Bonni. She's rigid and rant-y and NEGATIVE all the time. When she talks about situations she's been in, all the other people are so stupid, even though she doesn't SAY that. It's in the way that she tells her stories- NO ONE has ANY brain cells but HER. She drags me down.

The thing is, Bonni is EVERYWHERE. She's at my work, my church, my playgroup, my book club, my baby&me class... BTW, all of these places were "mine" first, except for our playgroup.

She competitive with me. I always feel like she thinks she's better than me, and that she wants others to see that she is better than me too.

She's unnecessarily aggressive about certain things- at work she called our boss TWICE to say that SHE wanted to teach with me when our friend Pammy moves in February. This was not "the way" of things at work- the calendar of classes is set out, and anyone is free to sign up for any class. Most of us have classes that we usually teach, and there is an unspoken seniority rule- those of us with more experience tend to teach certain classes. SHE is the newest, therefore not the next "natural" person to teach those classes. AND she didn't need to call our boss and "claim" her spot. It would have been more natural to wait and see if anyone else- WITH MORE EXPERIENCE- signed up in Pammy's place, and if not, offer to do it. Going to our boss, off hours, TWICE, was territorial and silly. (Our boss told me of these phone calls.)

She's controlling. Very, very controlling.

I feel like she's squeezing me out of my own life.

I am very secure in my friendships in all of our shared arenas. In every case, except playgroup, I've been a part of that group for YEARS longer than she, and don't feel threatened by people "liking her better" or anything.

And yet, it continues to BUG THE SHIT out of me.

Which is my problem, and least to a large degree.

Why do I let it bother me so much? Why do I care? What is she triggering in me that her presence makes me effing crazy?

These are the questions that are weighing on me lately.

Confession about diets

I've never been on a diet.

Not Weight Watchers, not Slim Fast, not South Beach or Atkins.

NEVER.

This is not to say that I don't NEED to, um... diet.

I've had "health kicks" in the past, where I've focused on physical fitness and eating better. To be honest, I eat pretty healthy meals, but have some trouble controlling myself around sweets.

I also can't control myself around avocados, but whatev. They're "good fats". AND SO YUMMY.

So um, I'm thinking about trying that silly Oprah and Bob Best Life thingy. Because I really like "programs" that have "authority" and can lead me on a straight and narrow path.

Besides, everyone knows New Year's Resolutions don't start until January 15th, right? (I just made that up. Besides, after how today went, I'll have to edit that to January 16th).

Whadda ya think. Should I do it?

Crap, you guys

I think I really messed things up.

I tried to create this NEW! SECRET! blog under my old account, because I'm IMPAIRED in a way yet to be diagnosed, I guess, and I've messed everything up royally.

I can't post comments anywhere w/o it showing up as C4, and I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIX IT.

And I don't have time to mess with it. I'm going to have to stick my husband on it.

Here I wanted a SECRET pink "all girls, no boy help needed" place, and the first thing I do is go and fuck everything up and then need to ask him for help.

At least I can trust he won't read this, if I ask him not to...

+++++++++++

Ok, so you are probably wondering who I am. I want YOU to know, my fellow bloggers, just not the half dozen people I know in BrickandMortar life to know....

So here's a few clues:

My initials on my "other" blog are M.G.
I have identical twin girls that will be 5 this month.
I have a 15 month old daughter WHO DOESN'T SLEEP.
I live in a very small town, and I miss Target and Starbucks.
I love to read.

Got it yet? Email me if you need confirmation. constancethefourth at gmail dot com.

+++++++++++

And now, since this new pink apartment has the feel of a slumber party, I'll share this with you:

My husband got me a vibrator for Christmas.
And he had me open it in front of my whole family!
AND he wanted to get one that was NOT anatomical-looking, since our YOUNG CHILDREN would be looking on. So he ended up getting this SMALL aqua colored one- the least "dildo-ish" looking of the bunch.
I started opening it, realized what it was, and tried to discreetly set it aside for later, but he was all- COME ON, OPEN IT. So I HAD to open it.
Turns out, most of my siblings were in on the secret.
Of course, they all thought it was SO FUNNY. I guess I did too.
Except.
Now my family think I PREFER it SMALL or something, since he gave me such a small one. Or they think HE'S lacking (which I guess is his bag to carry, but still).
And I didn't feel like I could, in good taste, say No, really, I like it big.

Also, I feel compelled to tell you that he would NEVER do something like that in front of HIS OWN family, and actually, the whole situation was VERY out of character for him. Which, I guess, made it funnier.

But I still can't believe it. I opened a dildo in front of my whole family!!

Anyone else have any slumber party stories to share?