Had To Delete This At My Other Place

When I first started writing here, I thought having twins and being a d0ula would be oft-frequented topics. Turns out, not so much.

Having twins is, at this point in our life, just very normal. And the adventures that unfold at the hospital with d0ula clients are not my stories to tell.

Anyway.

Yesterday I spent the day at the hospital with a d0ula client. The mysteries our bodies hold while we are in labor- the fast and slow progress, the emotional ups and downs, the way our body tells us exactly what it needs, if only we listen, made an impression on me once again.

I also got to see a family- a beautiful, loving, healthy family- that was not traditional at all. It consisted of:

~ a pregnant, intelligent, well-read, gentle-mannered, single mama

~her mom- a gruff voiced, permed and bleached, graduated from the school of hard knocks grandma-to-be

~an aunt who is married but never had any children of her own, had never been in a delivery room, and was so tender to pregnant mama that it made my heart swell

~pregnant mama's 15 year old sister, who watched her sister endure so much, always adjusting pillows and offering ice chips to help

I had the honor of being part of their tribe for a day, for seeing their family in all it's glory, welcome a new member. I always learn so much about labor, hospitals, women's bodies etc during a birth. But these people taught me about what it means to be family. Four woman, working together for hours upon hours, to celebrate a very special baby boy.

He's a lucky baby.

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Dr. J0key.

When I found out this was her physician, my heart sunk. I have personal, past experience with Dr. J0key. I liked him. He was very personable and witty. He was confident. He made me feel like I didn't have to be in charge because he was.

But we did not see eye to eye on many things, specifically how my babies were to be born. At 23 weeks, upon learning I was carrying twins, he got out his calendar to schedule my surgery.

I wanted to labor, to bring my babies into the world without having to nurse an abdominal incision as well as care for TWO BABIES. I felt strongly that this was a reasonable request.

He teased me. He made little, j0key comments that chipped away at my confidence.

I had a lot of work (mentally/emotionally speaking) to do after my first birth. Sadly, much of it was caused by this friendly, jolly man who made me feel foolish and silly and stupid.

Dr. J0key.

He was in fine form yesterday. J0king, teasing, making a laboring woman question her body, her decisions, her ability to have a baby without him swooping in to rescue her.

"I know you've read books. But I've read bigger books."

"You may have done all this labor yourself, but you also grew a HUGE BABY. All by yourself!"

Wink, wink. J0ke, j0ke. Jolly, jolly old good times.

Look, I don't care at all how a woman chooses to labor. It is, after all, her decision. But when a woman is listening to her body, building her confidence by trusting in her ability, wanting to put faith in the fact that she can DO THIS, I do not think it's ok for a medical professional to knock her down.

"You're going back 100 years by not having that epidural. Woman don't need to suffer now. Don't be silly."

"Think of your partner! S/HE really suffers, watching you struggle."

"There is no prize for a medication-free birth!"

Listen, Dr. J0key. When a patient is wanting or needing pain medication, they look to you for validation. Any of the above comments would be appropriate, encouraging, and comforting.

But ONLY WHEN SHE WANTS PAIN MEDICATION.

It is NOT appropriate to say these things as a way to persuade someone to give birth YOUR WAY. It's not your body. It's not your birth. It's not a day that you will remember always. In fact, by next week it will be dimmed in your memory, while SHE spends the next lifetime playing over the ups and downs of that day, over and over, in her mind.

While plenty of people see things "your" way, many others do not. It's your job respect your patients' wishes no matter which group they are in.

***********

Personally, I am more of a "trust your body" kind of thinker, when it comes to labor and delivery. That said, I've "trusted my body" TWICE only to end up with 2 c-sections.

I've come to terms with the fact that my births were miraculous too. That I DID, in fact, give birth, albeit with the help of a scalpel. That modern medical technology has possibly saved my life and the life of my children.

If I were to have another child, I'm not sure if I would go for a surgery or a VBAC, but either way, I want a doctor to respect my body, my choices. To focus on what I CAN do, and to not make me feel silly for how I want to birth my baby.

Now that I have navigated the medical world a few times, I know how to find such a provider. I know what to look for, who to talk to, and which questions to ask.

However, many of the d0ula clients that I work with do not have experience on their side, so they go into their first birth experience bright-eyed and hopeful, and completely at the mercy of their doctor.

Most doctors are excellent at guiding them through the maze of Becoming Parents.

Dr. J0key does not. Instead he takes advantage of their lack of knowledge. And if they do have a strong, well-read philosophy about birthing, he makes "wink, wink, j0ke, j0ke, we're all best friends and I'm here to tell you that you are wrong" kinds of comments.

Shame.